All these things that I wanted I never asked for because I knew they were frivolous. One time I do actually really want something and I am called ungrateful and greedy. I want to have everything? Complete bullshit. I want to hang out with my friends, yet I can count the number of times I’ve seen them outside of school this year with one hand. I wanted to go on the Jazz Band Trip, I didn’t even bother asking. I wanted to go on Creative Expressions, obviously didn’t ask. I want, I want, I want, the list is fucking endless, but you never hear me voice them.

I work my ass off, day in and day out. There is not one day that I’ve lived for basically the last year without feeling stressed out, or anxious, or mentally unable to go on, or depressed, or frustrated. I don’t even remember what it felt like to be able to smile and laugh and be happy for an hour without worry about homework or grades or exams or just your demoralizing commentary. I work my ass off, and still, it’s not enough. Not enough isn’t even the right word. It’s not right. I go to sleep at four because I’m studying for SATs and studying for the Physics test and the French Quiz and doing the English reading and the Euro project. Nope, I don’t get a “Wow, you’re so hard working. Good job!” Or even a “Good luck.” I get “What the hell are you doing up so late. Why the hell are you keeping everyone else up. What the hell do you think you are doing? How do you suppose you are going to wake up in time for school tomorrow? If you’re late waking up, it’s your fault that your sister is late for school. Why are you such a horrible person?” Is it wrong to study? To work hard and strive for excellence? And so if I do go to bed at 10pm like you want me to. I would get lower grades. I would not get into university. Isn’t that completely opposite of what you wanted? Isn’t that why you sent me to this freaking expensive school, wasting all this money on my tuition that you can never stop reminding me of?

Is it too much to ask for your support? I despise coming home because it’s a sure demoralization to the max. Do you know that I can’t fall asleep at night because I am so stressed out and anxious? Do you know how much I am suffering from my fear of the dark? Do you know I often have to cry myself to sleep? Do you know how horrid I feel whenever I look into the mirror? Whenever I weigh myself? Do you know how much I hate myself for how I look and how stupid I am and how much of a failure I am? I don’t need you to tell me that I am disappointing. Trust me, I already know. I already know that I’m not worth the air that I breathe, that I am just a waste of this world’s precious resources.

It sucks to feel that way. I know I am way too blessed to be feeling like this, but yet I do. That just makes it worse. I am that selfish person you speak of. I am completely unworthy of all these privileges.