Posts tagged rant.

Tumblr, you little shit. STOP DISTRACTING ME FROM SAT.

#text  #rant  #SAT  #WH  #I'M GOING TO DIE  
1 day ago on June 01, 2012 at 12:13am
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All these things that I wanted I never asked for because I knew they were frivolous. One time I do actually really want something and I am called ungrateful and greedy. I want to have everything? Complete bullshit. I want to hang out with my friends, yet I can count the number of times I’ve seen them outside of school this year with one hand. I wanted to go on the Jazz Band Trip, I didn’t even bother asking. I wanted to go on Creative Expressions, obviously didn’t ask. I want, I want, I want, the list is fucking endless, but you never hear me voice them.

I work my ass off, day in and day out. There is not one day that I’ve lived for basically the last year without feeling stressed out, or anxious, or mentally unable to go on, or depressed, or frustrated. I don’t even remember what it felt like to be able to smile and laugh and be happy for an hour without worry about homework or grades or exams or just your demoralizing commentary. I work my ass off, and still, it’s not enough. Not enough isn’t even the right word. It’s not right. I go to sleep at four because I’m studying for SATs and studying for the Physics test and the French Quiz and doing the English reading and the Euro project. Nope, I don’t get a “Wow, you’re so hard working. Good job!” Or even a “Good luck.” I get “What the hell are you doing up so late. Why the hell are you keeping everyone else up. What the hell do you think you are doing? How do you suppose you are going to wake up in time for school tomorrow? If you’re late waking up, it’s your fault that your sister is late for school. Why are you such a horrible person?” Is it wrong to study? To work hard and strive for excellence? And so if I do go to bed at 10pm like you want me to. I would get lower grades. I would not get into university. Isn’t that completely opposite of what you wanted? Isn’t that why you sent me to this freaking expensive school, wasting all this money on my tuition that you can never stop reminding me of?

Is it too much to ask for your support? I despise coming home because it’s a sure demoralization to the max. Do you know that I can’t fall asleep at night because I am so stressed out and anxious? Do you know how much I am suffering from my fear of the dark? Do you know I often have to cry myself to sleep? Do you know how horrid I feel whenever I look into the mirror? Whenever I weigh myself? Do you know how much I hate myself for how I look and how stupid I am and how much of a failure I am? I don’t need you to tell me that I am disappointing. Trust me, I already know. I already know that I’m not worth the air that I breathe, that I am just a waste of this world’s precious resources.

It sucks to feel that way. I know I am way too blessed to be feeling like this, but yet I do. That just makes it worse. I am that selfish person you speak of. I am completely unworthy of all these privileges.

#rant  
4 months ago on January 31, 2012 at 11:34pm
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[dix] : munnies. :c

You don’t need money to be happy … YAH YOU DO.

I want money so bad. :c Like, if I had money, I’d have a laptop over the summer without stealing my old one from my little sister. I’d have a camera so I can actually try photography. I’d have a nice phone that wouldn’t freaking randomly turn off every few minutes. I’d have a tablet that works so I wouldn’t feel so pissed off and frustrated all the time because I can’t draw. And I’d have all the NX I want. But yah.

I want to get a job so bad. :c But my parents keep trying to prevent me from doing so. Even if I say I want to tutor kids. Like seriously. Wtf is up with that?

So yah. Munnies.

#rant  
2 years ago on May 22, 2010 at 09:35pm
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[quatre] : -kicks lief-

Guess what. Art block again. Fml. And there’s so much work this month !! There’s this project due in like two days and I still have no clue what we’re supposed to do. My partner isn’t being all that helpful either. ILU~ Ugh. This sucks so much. I also have a poem I have to recite for speech day. I’ve pretty much all done memorizing it, but I still forget lines sometimes. -stabs- I’m so tired right now. I don’t want to do anything. I want to just go to bed, or attempt to draw, or sing horridly, or read, or eat fatty food, or try to play guitar, or listen to music. But noooooo. There’s so much I need to do. I shouldn’t even be doing this right now. I should be writing a script for my French Project. But I really can’t stand it anymore. -kicks lief some more- UGH.

Some people are so stupid. Seriously. Sometimes I want to punch them in the face. IF YOU DIDN’T LISTEN TO THE TEACHER DON’T COME CRYING TO THE PERSON THAT DID. Especially not in thewhiny omgimgonnafailifyoudonthelpmepleaaassseeeeeee way. Wow, wtf. How dumb can you get? Of course I didn’t actually scream in their face. I helped them. Of course. I just raged inside. Typical me. -kicks- True, sometimes I don’t listen, but I catch up without bugging people like that. -kicks- Yes, I agree, there are people who have to do more. But you know what? When you’re feeling pissed off like this, you just don’t fucking care. You know what else I hate about stupid people? They’re fucking everywhere.

There’s so much I want to do. I want to learn how to play drums. I want to learn to play electric guitar or bass. I want to have a good singing voice so I can actually sing, because you know what? I love doing it. I want to be able to draw amazingly. I want to write books so that everyone can read them and feel drawn into the world I’ve created. I want to be someone everyone will be, omgshe’samazing at. I want to be able to play piano beautifully. I want to be able to snowboard like a natural. I want to go so fast down the hill you won’t see anything but a blur. I want to do something that can make me feel beautiful. I want to learn how to cook. I want to bake delicious cakes that make people smile. I want to help people. I want to end homelessness. I want to give everyone a place to sleep, enough food to eat, and all the love that they need. I want to help the world become a better place. I want wings. I want to fly. Why not? Why don’t we have wings?

Why can’t we go back in time? There is so much I want to experience again. So much I want to relive. So much I regret. So much I want to change. So many opportunities that I’ve missed. So many regrets … They say that you must live life without regrets. But hey guess what? I have so many fucking regrets. Wouldn’t it be great to be able to go back in time to right what you did wrong?

You can do anything as long as you try. That’s what they say. You know what? I agree, to a degree. But you know what else? I’m too fucking lazy, and I don’t see a point if the percentage of success is so fucking small. You do so much and then what? Oh, oops, sorry man, no. Ugh, I’m slipping into my old mindset. This is so annoying. I’ve only finally just managed to become optimistic too. -kicks self-

I want to rant more but my fingers are tired. See how much lief sucks?

#lief  #rant  
2 years ago on March 20, 2010 at 11:37pm
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